An Apology

I, Chris Davenport, as an individual have apologies to give that I have no right to expect to be heard. Over the last year I have put myself through the largest transformative period of my life. I went from a boy with all the goals in the world, ready to conquer side by side with the girl I wanted to be beside me. I went from failing student without purpose to straight A student, and that happened because I had direction. My purpose was not set by anyone other than myself. However this is not a memoir, it is an apology so I should be direct. Jordan, Ana, I am so terribly sorry for my actions. I was so determined to pull you both out of the world that I didn’t notice that you were not ready. 

Jordan, there is no excuse for the way I behaved. I wanted nothing more than to save you from the path you had freely chosen. I dragged myself to levels of depravity I find it hard to admit hoping I could show you the folly that only your actions consequences have the ability to communicate. I have never been more proud then I was when I was with you. Your tenacity to go out and get whatever you wanted, your superlative drive, and ability in whatever field you chose to pursue are virtues without comparison. I have no doubt if I end up with someone they will share these values with you. I am sorry that I made a mockery of the value of our relationship in an attempt to save you from yourself, it should not have been my role and I mistakenly adopted it in an attempt to save you. I hope in your mind you can accept my earnest admiration for what we had and in celebration of our mutual success.

Ana, it was to you however I was most cruel. I went in full well knowing you considered celebration of beauty to be depravity, and I committed myself to a course of saving someone by showing them my value in such complete a form that I hoped in time you would come to realize your separation from rationality when it came to the nature of human connection. I put you through a hell of my creation to try to create heaven, and I cannot think of a more foolhardy approach. You have the motive power that the world seeks, you have what the world lacks, I wanted to show you that the chains you have accepted are not yours to bear, and that you can be the most successful person in that world and you will still suffer the consequences of the incomplete thought that the world suffers from. I hope you can think of me as more than a person who brought a dark spot into your life, but as someone who truly cares for you for the things that are the greatest about you, and who wants a world where you can be who you truly are without having to feel the pain of the ugliness of the world anymore. 

Let me end on a declaration. Love is not something that fades, it is given in due for the virtues that someone else possesses. I even tried at one point to believe you lacked these virtues to force it to fade. However I also know that just because of this does not mean I have earned its physical declaration, nor of possession of the virtues of others by nature of my own. I have removed myself from the world of death and have chosen to live, and have freely sacrificed all the beauty in the world that is still within the confines of those who choose to be nothing. You are both women of value and beauty in the world, and someday I hope to create a world where you can be the powerful, intelligent, and creative women that you both are without the burdens imposed by others.