Moving On

Its time that I finally tell the truth to the world. That means myself included. Today I cried, to most people that might be one thing, but to me its an entirely different thing. I dont cry. Today is the first day I allowed myself to feel, feel the real pain that has been sitting there for five months being suppressed. I used someone to put a comfortable buffer over where I might be able to feel it so that I might be able to just push it away until it would disappear. It didnt dissappear, and now its time I admit it.

My Father constantly told me how nothing in the world that I did would be enough, in the end I would eventually fail. I never realized how much I took those words to heart, however through a blanket rejection. That Blanket rejection has hid the fact that I myself don't think I'm enough. Most people who know me know my arrogant outward appearance which masks a level of insecurity combined with the fact that the way I rejected him was to prove to the world over and over and over again that I could handle anything that it could toss at me. I did, I took on the world, but I never took on myself, where I was failing myself with every time I needed to practice, everytime I didnt reach my own expectation, everytime I wanted something I couldnt have. Each time the world put itself in my way, I shoved the world down into place, and shoved myself further down the hole where I admit that I'm constantly afraid. Afraid that really I'm not good enough. That noone likes who I am and never will. Unfortunately the world has a way of delivering to you exactly what you expect. Not that people dont like me, although to a small level that is correct, but that people see me for a person who isnt me. I'm a scared loving, wide-eyed ten year old who cant believe how beautiful and giant the world is.

I pushed you away and so with good reason you let me go to my comfortable distance, however my pushing actually was my way of inviting people in to accept who I am. However that time is far past, I've pushed everyone in Bellingham so far away that I'll never be whole there again. Especially as I dont know I'll ever stop feeling the hole in my heart there. The reason I mentioned all of this in combination with my tears is because I finally understand both why I still hurt because of Jordan and Me, and why I can't make everything work anymore. First, I havnt been making anything work I failed all of my courses that have happened since Jordan and I broke up. I havnt been whole and cant put my mental faculties to anything except dissecting what about me isnt/wasnt enough.

Once upon a time I gave my heart completely to another person for the first time, what I thought was love before was a sham. I was head over heels, I would have fought the whole world and given it to her on a silver platter, except I knew better as well. I just needed to be the support for her and take the world that she wanted. So I fought my natural instinct and supported her, and that was never good enough, and if I ever stepped up and got it for her through my actions, that was not right. I could never be the person that she needed, and I see now that I never was the person she needed because the person she wanted wasnt me. This became apparent when she decided that she wanted to go date other people while still seeing me. Effectively telling me in my head that I was useful to her and that she liked me but she wanted more than me, while telling me that she loved me and wanted to be with me(adding to my level of confusion). I've finally realized that I was good enough in a relationship, in fact I really really tried. It just wasnt the right relationship. However at the time I had no idea of this. I did trust her completely and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Yet she pushed me away like I was some sort of evil creature, somehow turned all of my good intentions into evil acts designed to make her miserable or try to get us back together again. Nothing could be further from the truth, I know better than to try to get together with someone who doesnt want you.

I still never cried though, I put my walls up. Walls that apparently are stronger than 3 rape victims and 2 attempted suicides that I talked out of it this quarter through just openly sharing. Their walls seem simple and have easy triggers. I just dont feel I'll ever be good enough, my friends always need something more from me that I cant give to them that they then disappear because of, my romantic life has been a giant excursion into not enough or not right for my partners. I want so much to feel close and cared for for who I am.

However I dont feel that because even I'm not sure if I feel it for myself. I know I should, I deserve that much, I deserve the same amount of love I want everyone else to have. But I dont know how to think I deserve anything when I feel worthless except for what I do for other people. I always say actions is what matter except that in the end, that leaves you without an entity behind the actions. I'm just a person who heals, who is there for people, who acts to make the world a better place. But I never, am. I cried today because I realized that I am worth something inherently, but I dont know what that means. I cried because I wanted to experience the feeling of completion accompanying love that binds you and another person completely working towards your goals together. However I'd have to be something besides an action, and the person I'm with would have to see me for that. Even though right now I'm not sure what that is.

I've looked at religion again and realized that I dont know anymore, the experiential knowledge has passed and doubt has consumed me once again. The only person who seems content with whoever I am is my mother, and by definition she doesnt count because she's my mother. I want to be me and experience the glory and power I feel from within, but I feel cut down from my internal thoughts.

Jordan, I did love you. I wished that we were meant to work out, I thought that if you let me I could have fixed all the problems. The problem with all my logic was that is was preceded by the core problem inside of me, which had no idea who I am. I see better now, and see why we ended when we did. My tears have broken what psychologists and friends and hours and hours of talking has not accomplished, given me closure. I deserve happiness, Jordan you deserve happiness and if you were never going to get that from me I'm glad that you had the fortitude to ask for what you truly wanted rather than settling for me. Some people arnt meant to be together and I'm smart enough to learn that. No matter how late I might be to the party.

Alissa, I owe you many thanks. You've kept me walking closer to a healthier line, rather than dropping off to sleeping around or trying to fight to make others experience the same level of unhappiness I've been living in.

Ana, I'm sorry that we used each other the way we did. I think it may all turn out for the best for both of us...But I didnt even realize what I was doing until 2 days ago.

I'll be happy eventually.

I'm moving home to Vancouver, dont worry I wont be living at home for long, to finish off school and to start life with a fresh slate. I dont want to fight, I dont want to have to endure just to survive when I can forge for myself a better life where life is based off of my principles and values and I start to act in accordance to who I am. Life is one terribly confusing mess of a place and where your parents start the job, dating seals the deal on helping you along to doubting every edge of your existence not anymore.

I'm done with dating for 3-6 months and when I start looking again I intend to look for a person who wants the same things I do out of life so that I can have a serious relationship which is something that I deserve.

Anyone that is reading this and cares, I appreciate your interest in my bussiness and I hope you the best and if theres anything I can do for you let me know, I'm always here for anyone who's in need.

Love,
Chris